The Possessed Nature of the Bicycle

When I was younger, I loved the whole bike-riding/roller-blading scene. I was good. And by good, I mean I can only recall one instance where I was riding my bike downhill and somehow ended up careening over the handle bars and skidding nose first on the pavement, earning myself a lovely scar.

Not until I arrived at college did I truly understand the real nature of the bicycle: all bikes are possessed by evil spirits. Possibly the same evil spirit that possessed the little girl in the movie The Exorcist, but that has yet to be determined. No matter where the evil spirits originate, the fact remains that bicycles inherently have it out for me. I described in a previous blog post my first experience with bikes in college. Well, I have another piece of evidence to prove the demonic intentions of bicycles.

On this particular evening, I attempted to do a good deed. Jennikins, my cute little blonde roommate was planning to take a test that would determine whether or not she wanted to drop out of a certain science class of immense difficulty. At our University, the Testing Center is a building with the sole purpose of providing a location where tests are administered. In this way, we are able to take exams any time within a given window rather than taking in-class exams. The tests are administered upstairs in the building, and as you exit after finishing your exam, you walk down a set of stairs. At the bottom is a TV monitor that displays the scores to scantron tests, so if your test was multiple choice, you can see your grade immediately. Then you exit through the adjacent door. It is common for friends to leave notes of encouragement or support on a window ledge so that as you exit the testing center, you will see them.

We (meaning me and adorable roommate) knew that Jennikins was probably going to be distraught at the conclusion of her test. We therefore decided that we would leave her a note. Unfortunatlely, we decided this after she had been gone for about an hour. The testing center is at least a 15 minute walk from our apartment. We figured she would probably not be done with her test in that time frame, but we didn't want to waste 30 minutes walking if we would miss her. We decided to ride bikes to the testing center to leave her our supportive note.

Here I must inform you that I am somewhat athletically challenged. I am only mildly coordinated when I have both feet on the ground, so when you throw in WHEELS, I am definitely ill-equipped to handle myself. Adorable roommate had a bike (I say "had" because it has since been impounded). This was our only mode of transportation. For whatever reason, we decided that fitting both of us on that bike would be unwise (although we knew it was possible because this was after our experience described in my previous post). We went to find someone who would lend us a bike. We found a boy. I like boys.I also like getting what I want from boys. So naturally, we convinced this boy to let us borrow his bike. If he knew at that time how uncoordinated I was (although I must admit that I think it was entirely the bike's fault for being difficult to ride), he probably would have decided against loaning out his precious bike.

I assumed that this bike would be somewhat easy to ride as I am roughly the same height as the male that we borrowed the bike from. I did not anticipate, however, that his bike would be so utterly dangerous and useless. The seat was really tall, and when I finally mounted the thing (that took a while- it was much more complicated than mounting a horse.) my feet did not reach the ground. In fact, they barely reached the pedals. Also, this bike was designed so that the rider would need to lean forward on the handle bars while riding it.

So here I was, following my adorable roommate. It was then that I realized the last time I had successfully ridden a bike was probably when my age still matched my shoe size. I spent the majority of that bike ride yelling "MOVE! I CAN'T CONTROL THIS DEMON BIKE!" at innocent passers-by. When there were no passers-by, I simply chanted "I hate this bike. I hate my life, and I HATE KYLE!" Of course I blamed Kyle for owning a faulty bike. Therefore, I had to let the world know that I hated him and that it was his fault that I was unsteadily mounted on a bike that I had yet to figure out how to dismount.

We finally arrived at the testing center, and as I was unable to reach the ground, I discovered the only way to stop was to position myself next to a grassy patch and fall over. This bike was effing heavy. It hurt me when it pinned my legs beneath it.

We left our note for Jennikins and turned around to head home. It was difficult to get started and almost immediately after we got going, I almost hit some person and had to swerve to avoid them. I ended up crashing into a light post. At least it was next to some grass, but that landing definitely hurt more than my purposeful falling... It took me several minutes to get out from beneath the bike, during which I was yelling loudly my dislike for Kyle and for bikes and for Kyle's bike.

Eventually, my adorable roommate noticed that I had crashed and she returned to laugh at me. She remained on her bike. I somehow managed to get out from under the bike that must be made out of lead or some kind of really heavy rock imported from Mars or something. I also managed to get back on the bike by climbing up the lamp post and then kinda throwing myself over the bike until I was somewhat steadily back on the bike.

On our return trip, I yelled my chant of "I hate this bike, I hate my life, and I HATE KYLE!" even louder, receiving several bemused and even more confused looks from those that I passed. I think I crashed in the middle of the road near our apartment building while swerving out of the way of a car or something... I don't remember.. oh yeah, and neither of us were wearing helmets because we are cheap and don't own any.

When I returned the bike to Kyle, I noticed that the handles were slightly bent. I don't think he noticed because I was too busy telling him how his bike was possessed by demons who were hell-bent on removing me from the face of this earth. He didn't seem very amused.Then we played musical chairs.

And this, my friends, is why you should only do a good deed if it is convenient. Or you should make sure the person you are risking your life by riding a demon bike that probably would have bucked you off if it had the opportunity is worth it. Jennikins is definitely worth it. And she appreciated our efforts to give her a note.

-E